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Hanging on Michelle Obama’s every word

So I’m watching TV one night and I’m saying to myself, where is she? Why have I not seen her on the magic LED screen tonight?

Swimming lake’s length netted little

George Dempsey should thank the stars that his parents did not give him some goofy name like “Susquehanna” or “Mississippi” or the poor lad might still be swimming.

Governor one ‘smooth’ operator

Just when you thought you had mastered all those euphemisms and acronyms and other jargon used by politicians to distract from or obscure the real issues, along comes a new batch.

Phone calls we’d like to hear

There is absolutely no evidence whatsoever that the following phone calls happened in recent days. Then again, there is no evidence they did not occur …

Life is often filled with questions …

Let me ask you something …

XLVII looks to be XLII percent duller

In order to celebrate a lousy old football game between the Ravens and the Niners, yet another 615 million chickens will be walking around Monday morning, permanently grounded, their wings having been sacrificed on the altar of Super Bowl XLVII.

Interviewing a figment of the imagination

Not unlike a lot of other shallow Americans, I, too, watched Lance Armstrong’s too-little, too-late owning-up on TV. But me, I was lucky enough to watch it along with Manti Te’o’s girlfriend, Lennay.

Undecided on major issues? Ask celebs

Did anyone doubt that Gov. Andrew Cuomo would win the prize for the first and toughest gun law in the nation enacted after Newtown and before Obama-Biden could act? The presidential campaign ad almost writes itself, doesn’t it?

Whatever happened to fracking?

Let me ask you something …

Carvel wasn’t as welcome as his creations

Look, forget about those too-loud television commercials and instead beg the FCC to spare us those disturbingly bad TV spots in which the advertisers themselves insist on appearing. For that, we probably can thank Cookie Puss, my one-time golfing partner.

No more listening to the Maya

I swear, this is the last time I listen to the Maya when it comes to the end of the world.

How does Santa know I’m sleeping?

Let me ask you something …

Call it a ‘ditch,’ but not a ‘folly’

I was just a rookie reporter covering the Capitol at the time, but I remember well Gov. DeWitt Clinton being pressured to drag his feet on building the canal.

Lawyers and money just don’t mix

How many times have you asked yourself: Gee, I wonder if my car can fly.

Clothes on their backs beat castoffs

As we celebrate our newly combined holiday — Black Friday-Thanksgiving, where we give thanks for vast quantities of newly acquired stuff — the problem, of course, is what to do with all our old stuff.

Are those Obama folks lucky or what?

Let me ask you something …

The machine worked well in some ways

Yes, Albany County Democrats did dish up free pizza (thick crust) and wings on election night, but it just ain’t like it used to be.

First, eat all your perishables

The way I figure it, you do a nice job rewrapping the generator, you may be able to get your money back, but please, do not embarrass yourself by trying to return the canned Hormel’s chili or the C batteries, OK?

A moderator who manages to moderate

Schieffer, you old kill-joy, you. You had to go out there, didn’t you, and do a sober and professional job as moderator of Presidential Debate Three, thereby restoring moderation to moderating?

Questions on politics, sports stuff

Let me ask you something …

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