Here I sit feeling like the best minds and hearts of our city are leaving.
What can I say to Dr. Kevin Karpowitz, except, "safe journey dear heart." You never got the acclaim that you deserved, but if we measure your ribbons and trophies in love and respect, you were indeed a beloved and honored gentleman. You are one of the few people that deserves to wear (proudly) that old chestnut, "RESPECT." You have given almost 30 years of your life and mind and wisdom to all of us. There will be none to fill your sneakers. (I will miss those red high-tops)
Last year, I lost two old and stalwart friends to cancer. You, my friend, are leaving us not in death but in the fullness of life yet to be lived. May you gather your life around you and wear it as a cape of life-lived. Know you will be sorely missed. I take heart believing you are moving on and I do not say this lightly: Godspeed. You are as a feather on the breath of God. You leave behind myriad children; they are your legacy and the hope and future of this city.
As I sit here quietly and observe the constant spiral of life and death enveloping us all, I feel as if I am part of a massive chess game, in which I am simply a pawn.
Agencies, like people, come and go. Around the corner from us on Stanley Street sits an extraordinarily beautiful building, fully restored, altered beyond its origins, changed to a monument to money gone. Long gone. Once open only four hours a week, it is now not open at all. Or, if it is, all of us are totally unaware of its usage. So much funding, hundreds of thousands of dollars given not even 10 years ago. What happened? Does no one monitor these things? Does no one ever say, "Whatever happened to such and such?" I once compared these buildings and agencies to AIG and, indeed, there is much similarity. This is a small city with many troubles and difficulties and very limited resources. Yet, money is given and not followed and this hurts our most vulnerable population.
What happened to the computers in this state of the art facility? We at QUEST have one -- ONE computer. We have children going off to college and I find myself scrambling to get them laptops, something colleges seem to require these days and which are prohibitively expensive to our families. Couldn't there be some sort of a fund for children who have kicked the ghetto habit and have clawed their way out of the streets and into a decent college only to find themselves standing at the gate without the right keys for entrance? And by keys, I mean monetary assistance. Could we not have a program to work with these children to help them through the legal maze of financial aid, and to offer some sort of a loan to be used toward proper clothes, entrance fees and even transportation?
The enormity of all these unmet dilemmas coupled with some of my best supports gone or going makes me very tired and low. I went to a large meeting this morning generated by the new 2-1-1 phone service. Tons of beautiful people. I wonder sometimes how those of us who work in non-profits can dress so well. I sat quietly in a corner admiring shoes. I am a shoe afficionado after all, and here feet and shoes were compelling. From the feet secretly shedding shoes, to the ladies wearing only one shoe, to the four-inch heels down the aisle, it kept my mind occupied and alert while the usual speeches went on ... and on. I was cheered by one woman who walked heavily with a cane but whose feet and toenails were lovely. She knew WHAZ UP.
At one point, a worker and I were talking about our city. "IT must be very difficult to be working there now," she said. "It is saddening and exhausting," I replied. "You're not burning out?" she said anxiously. "You're not leaving, are you?" I thought long and hard about this (she caught me at a depressive moment) then, "No," I said. "Sometimes I do think how differently things could have been for me, but all in all I am planning on staying where I am."
I remembered hobbling up the walk last week just wanting to quit and go home and Teepha came up behind me and grabbed my elbow. "See that," she said pointing to the two elderly women dressed to the teeth: wigs and heels and makeup and all. "That's old," she said. Then, she laughed, "At least you're wearing your own hair!" I laughed too. Bless you girl, we've still got each others' backs.
This Saturday passed, Jose and I had our afternoon extravaganza:
Movie -- "Monsters Vs Aliens"
Theater -- Colonie Center
Time -- late afternoon
Parking place -- perfect
I was feeling especially gimpy, so I had my walking stick. Realizing the sensibilities of teenage boys, I asked him if he was going to have issues being seen with me, to which he responded, "Maybe you're going to be ashamed to be seen with me." So started a great afternoon. He pushed all the buttons for handicapped doors, made sure I took the elevator and carried the popcorn and soda. Afterward -- McDonald's (of course), lots of conversation and we all went home. I don't know about Jose, but I had a simply super day (thank you).
The following is from "Herzog" (1964) by Saul Bellow:
"In a society that was no community and devalued the person. Owing to the multiplied power of numbers which made the self negligible. Which spent military billions against foreign enemies but would not pay for order at home. Which permitted savagery and barbarism in its own great cities. At the same time, the pressure of human millions who have discovered what concerned efforts and thoughts can do. The beautiful supermachinery opening a new life for innumerable mankind. Would you deny them the right to exist? Would you ask them to labor and go hungry while you yourself enjoyed old-fashioned values? You -- you yourself are a child of this mass and a brother to all the rest."
PS - Sirrah, take heart, I know you moved. Don't worry, we'll find you.
Love-Love-Love,
Judy
