“What’s that, Babe, you’re calling ’cause you got a pothole on your street? … gotta be kiddin’ me right? Hey, this is Albany, Babe, we don’t do potholes. You’re puttin’ me on, right? … Potholes are scenic attractions in Albany. You live in Colorado, you don’t go callin’, tryin’ to get ’em to fill in the Grand Canyon, do you? Call me back if you got a cracked sidewalk or a fallen limb or somethin’, not this pothole stuff … right, Kid? …
“Okay, you got Talk 1300 and it’s 9-15 ayem on a Friday and you’re talkin’ with the mayor …
“Another caller, John? …
“Hey, Babe, wait a minute, wait a minute there … you got the wrong guy. No, that’s Breslin and Albany County, not the city, Babe, with that 19 percent tax increase. That’s right, I’m the guy who got the Guv to go along with that idea of mine to advance state payments to the city by seven-point-eight-mil to avoid raising homeowners’ taxes. You’re right, those folks in 2032 are not gonna know what hit them when they tell ’em what we did with this money. They’re gonna freak out, I mean they’re askin’ ’emselves ‘who was this guy back then?’… freak ’em right out …
“All right, Tony from the Pine Hills: Hey, Tone, Babe, what’s that, you’re saying the clock on City Hall tower is not keepin’ the correct time? Tone, it ain’t like a pocket watch; you don’t just shake it a few times, know what I mean? Tone, why you bustin’ on me ’bout the clock? I’m pretty sure all four faces are within just a few minutes of the correct time. So, it’d kill you to walk around the building ’til you get the right time? Twenty-nine-nighty-five and you got yourself a Timex, Tone, know what I mean? Nah, I’m just puttin’ you on, okay? …
“John, you’re supposed to be screenin’ these calls, right? …
“Next caller, Mary from North Albany: What’s that Mare, you heard that I injured myself because Andrew Cuomo stopped too quickly? C’mon, Mare, you know better ’n that …
“Gonna’ take a little time out here for a word or two from the Gun Guy and we’re back in a couple …
“We’re back on Talk 1300 and we got a call from Dick in West Albany. Dick, go easy Kiddo; you guys are tough this morning … no, it’s not true that I am secretly chuckling because Breslin’s raising taxes 19 percent in his final few months in the executive’s office. Ya know, you people overdo this rivalry stuff and I feel really bad for the guy, I do. What are ya laughing about there, Dickie Boy?….
“Movin’ along, we got Sylvia on the line. You the one who called me about the tree branches all over the place after the rainstorm, honey? Well, you are a sweetheart for saying so, Sylvia, and the guys at General Services are gonna love hearin’ that …
“What’s that, John, you got one of my former chiefs of police on the line and they want me to guess who it is by their voice? Not in the mood for that stuff, John; if they want to tell me who they are upfront, fine; otherwise, it’s hello-goodbye …
“Next caller … now what’s all this nonsense about me believing our next county executive is not up to the job … just absolute nonsense. Don’t believe it, Babe, those stories about me and other big Democrats tryin’ to knock Danny out of the box back in May. No way, nohow true. Danny’s our man all the way … you got the word straight from me, Babe … don’t know how this stuff gets started but we’re all on the same side, got it, Babe?
“Sam from the Pine Bush, listen, have faith there, mister, when I tell ya, yes, there’s gonna’ be a convention center. You’re listenin’ too much to all these un
informed talk show hosts, aren’t you Sam, and they’re feedin’ you bad info. Pay attention right here and forget those other guys. Looks more and more each day like the Guv’s gonna’ give us a casino right downtown to pay for it all … so, have faith there, Sammy Baby …
“And all you out there, remember Live at Five is just around the corner … six, seven months from now … and you got yourself those free performances by the Sam the Sham and the Pharoahs and a whole bunch of those stars from days gone by and remember, drink responsibly … don’t ruin it for a lot of other folks who want nothing more than some Sam the Sham and a slightly expensive brew under the moonlight … right, Babes?
“All right, time for just one more … what’s that Babe, you want to know where you can get a nice tan like this? … gimme a break, will you, Babe? …
“John, are you out there…or what?”
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