Gaffigan set to serve up some laughs with observations

Comedian Jim Gaffigan is set to perform Wednesday at the Times Union Center.

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Jim Gaffigan likes hot stuff.

Like hot stuff, right out of the oven. The stand-up comedian is a stand-up guy for breakfast, lunch and dinner.

The 50-year-old Gaffigan is also hot stuff in the entertainment world. He’s on tour and on the tube — his “Jim Gaffigan Show” recently started its second season on the TV Land network.

Jim Gaffigan: Fully Dressed

WHEN: 8 p.m. Wednesday

WHERE: Times Union Center, 51 S. Pearl St., Albany

HOW MUCH: $46.75-$36.75

MORE INFO: www.timesunioncenter-albany.com

The comic famous for his observations about religion, large families and food plays the Times Union Center in Albany on Wednesday. The supper bell for the “Fully Dressed” show rings at 8 p.m.

Some facts about the man:

– He played football at Georgetown University.

– In 2000, Gaffigan and Christine Baranski starred in the sitcom “Welcome to New York,” which was canceled after one season.

– A TV advertisement veteran, Gaffigan began playing Col. Sanders in commercials for KFC this past February. Gaffigan and his family — wife Jeannie and their five children — have recently appeared in a marketing campaign for the 2017 Chrysler Pacifica minivan.

But people are much more interested in Gaffigan’s observations and one-liners. Here’s a baker’s dozen — Jim would appreciate that name — of our favorites:

– “Pie can’t compete with cake. Put candles in a cake, it’s a birthday cake. Put candles in a pie, and somebody’s drunk in the kitchen.”

– “My wife’s gotten really lazy, or as she calls it, ‘pregnant.’ ”

– “The only advantage to wearing glasses is that you can do that dramatic removal.”

– “Life is a little easier for attractive people, can we admit that? Think about it, if a stranger smiles at you and they’re attractive, you think, ‘Oh, they’re nice,’ but if the stranger’s ugly, you’re like, ‘What do they want? Get away from me weirdo.’ ”

– “You could be a genius — you try to write a postcard, you come across like a moron anyway. It’s always like, ‘This city’s got big buildings. I like food. Bye.’ ”

– “Have you seen the bologna that has the olives in it? Who’s that for? ‘I like my bologna like a martini. With an olive.’ ‘I’ll have the bologna sandwich — dirty.’ ”

– “It is amazing how email has changed our lives. You ever get a handwritten letter in the mail today? ‘What the? . . . Has someone been kidnapped?’ ”

– “I never have free time. You ever go to the cash machine, there’s two people in line front of you — you get kind of flustered? You’re like ‘Forget it! I’m not standing here for 40 seconds. I’ve got things to do.’ ”

– “How did we get to the point where we’re paying for bottled water? That must have been some weird marketing meeting over in France. Some French guy’s sitting there, like, ‘How dumb do I think the Americans are? I bet you we could sell those idiots water.’ ”

– “You ever look for the remote control, you can’t find it, so you just decide, ‘Ah, it looks like I’m not watching TV.’ ”

– “You ever talk about a movie with someone that read the book? They’re always so condescending. ‘Ah, the book was much better than the movie.’ Oh really? What I enjoyed about the movie: no reading.”

— “I think it’d be great if you had a kid that ended up being pope. That would be the ultimate bragging rights. ‘Oh, your son’s a doctor? Yeah, ours is pope. Oh, they have a house? He has his own city.’”

– You know what it’s like having five kids? Imagine you’re drowning. And someone hands you a baby.”