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My dad came out as gay when I was 17 years old.
He was 52 at the time, a father to three, an ex-husband and a current one. He’d later tell us he had inclinations about his true identity since he was a kid.
But growing up in a small village in the Mohawk Valley, the eldest of six boys in a household run by a mechanic and a devout Irish Catholic stay-at-home mother, being gay wasn’t really a lifestyle Dad could entertain.
In the nearly 20 years since Dad came out, much has changed in terms of acceptance. And yet, even as we celebrate Pride Month, and even as my dad will be among the throngs marching in Sunday’s Capital Pride Parade in Albany, the fight against discrimination continues.
The day my father came out to me, I had played 18 holes of golf and was all pleased because I’d shot an 82. I mention this only to say I had a fairly uncomplicated upbringing. My parents had their disagreements, but what couple doesn’t? My life was frictionless enough for me not to have to consider my parents as being a husband and a wife and all that goes into that. They were simply Mom and Dad, and I spent my time focused on going to school, working at Capital Hills in Albany and playing cards or pickup sports with my friends.
Then Dad shared the news: After 20 something years during which he and my mom continually worked through everything — after counseling and soul searching and time — my dad came to terms with his “gay identity.”
Honestly, my first reaction was relief. Because during the buildup to the announcement, when I was asked to sit on the couch next to my older half-siblings, I thought my parents were going to say they couldn’t stand each other. So I was comforted to learn they remained friends, that there wouldn’t be some acrimonious split, that they would have stayed married if not for who Dad is.
In the years since, I’ve processed more about what Dad’s life has been like. For a half century, nearly three quarters of his current life, Dad lived a compartmentalized life knowing at some point his true self would be revealed. The rickety reality that created, the second-guessing that would come each day, makes it even more remarkable to think just how steady and loving a father he is.
Dad calls himself a “late bloomer” and knew that coming out in his 50s and needing to break into a whole new community was going to be challenging and also amazing. As Dad looks back today he says he is grateful for the support and good friends that helped him in many ways. The Pride Center’s weekly Men’s Group was especially beneficial.
But so many members of the queer community find themselves lost, especially young people. Research has found LGBTQ+ youth are more than four times as likely to attempt suicide.
That’s why it’s so troubling that the persecution continues after all we know, after all we’ve heard from people who felt forced to live closeted lives as a result of society’s intolerance. The current attacks on the rights of transgender youth are merely extensions of past fights against gay rights.
A recent episode of the New York Times’ “The Daily” podcast detailed how after the Supreme Court ruled in favor of gay marriage in 2015, gay rights groups focused on transgender rights. That effort contributed to the conservative backlash we’re seeing now.
This pushback includes at least 16 states with restrictions or bans on gender-affirming care for minors and more than 20 states that have some type of restrictions on transgender youth playing school sports, according to the Times.
“What it means is that any minor who identifies as transgender or is searching to determine their gender identity and lives in a state where this is actively discouraged, is going to find life is difficult,” New York Times reporter Adam Nagourney said on “The Daily.” “And in some states, some kids who are already getting these [gender-affirming care] treatments are going to be forced to stop. It’s just making it more difficult for them to live the way they want to live. And activists say they’ve put trans kids at serious risk.”
But Pride Month is a time we should stay focused on the positive. So even as we still have so far to go, I look at my own family and consider how far we’ve already come. My father, who lived more than 50 years hiding his true identity, now lives an openly gay life with a partner he’s had for more than a decade. (My mother is happily remarried, by the way.)
Meanwhile, my kids, 5 and 2, will be at Albany’s Pride parade this weekend. My daughter already has her dress picked out for the “Rainbow Day” she remembers from last year, when she stood on Lark Street with rainbows stickered on her cheeks, a wide smile across her face.
During this year’s parade, my daughter will sit atop my shoulders and wave a colorful flag as she watches her gay grandfather march on.
Columnist Andrew Waite can be reached at [email protected] and at 518-417-9338. Follow him on Twitter @UpstateWaite.
Categories: Andrew Waite, Email Newsletter, News, Opinion, Schenectady County
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First of all, you are acting like this is you, it is not, it’s your dad. Second, from what you say he kept it to himself all of these years, which is how it should be, I don’t go around telling everyone that I’m straight. Third and finally, nobody cared about transgender people UNTIL they started going after our kids and pushing it into our schools and our homes. Just a couple FYIs, people on the left are just as vocal about forcing the trans movement on children. No person under the age of 18 should be able to make the decision to change genders because it is irreversable. If children under 18 can’t make the decision to smoke or drink they certainly can’t be old enough to make the decision that they can mutilate their bodies. And the last FYI is I had a brother who in his 50s went to Brazil about 12 years ago and transitioned, I found out when she got back. I said to her that she didn’t need surgery that she should have seen a psychiatrist because someone believing they are a woman in a mans body or vise versa is a mental health issue no different than the woman who fell in love and married the Eiffel Tower and has now fallen in love with a fence. I still love my now sister that has not changed but the fact that we are even talking about this crap and it is crap with kids in middle school is a crime.
You and your movement’s hate will be your undoing.
Most are growing very tired of it.
But psychologists will have a field day diagnosing why you’re so triggered by it.