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What you need to know for 01/21/2018

Republican primary? Not to worry

Republican primary? Not to worry

I hope everyone is ready for the next chapter in meaningless electoral politics, that being the New

I hope everyone is ready for the next chapter in meaningless electoral politics, that being the New York Republican primary on Tuesday, which is the same day as the meaningless Republican primaries in Connecticut, Delaware, Pennsylvania and Rhode Island.

Meaningless, because we already know who the Republican candidate will be — Newt Gingrich. No, wait a minute, I mean Herman Cain. No, I mean Rick Perry. No, again, it’s … it’s … it’s whoever that guy is with the slicked-back hair and the unflappable demeanor. I can’t keep them straight. They all began to run together in my mind long ago.

But you know the one I mean. The one who did not appear to be completely nuts but who won anyway. His closest opponent, the one who wanted to throw up at the idea of separation of church and state and who thinks contraception is bad, has dropped out, so there is no one left who is anywhere close in terms of number of delegates.

Early on I figured nuttiness was the key quality Republican voters were looking for, and I figured it’s because it’s the quality the candidates themselves seemed most eager to project. It was great fun to watch the rest of them pounce whenever one of them slipped and showed even the faintest sign of sanity, as when Gingrich, addressing the question of illegal immigrants, declared, “I am for a path to legality for those people whose ties run so deeply in America that it would truly be a tragedy to try and rip their family apart.”

“A new doorway to amnesty!” pounced the guy with the slicked-back hair, it being understood that “amnesty” is a terrible thing.

Michele Bachmann got to the heart of the matter, saying Gingrich “probably has the most liberal position on illegal immigration of any of the candidates in the race,” which would of course be an automatic disqualifier in a Republican primary.

Why, old Newt had even appeared in an ad with the Wicked Witch of the Left, Nancy Pelosi, and declared the two of them “agree that our country must take action to address climate change.”

Take action to address climate change! How they all snickered over that one.

Newt spent pretty much the whole campaign trying to live the blunder down.

My own interest began to flag when Michele Bachmann dropped out. I thought it would be extremely cool to have a president whose academic credentials came from Oral “Faith-Healer” Roberts University rather than Harvard or Yale.

As for how delegates will be allotted from Tuesday’s primary, don’t worry. It’s too complicated to explain, and it doesn’t matter anyway.

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