Probably like a lot of you guys, I never imagined that Mitt Romney was even aware that I existed — until several days ago when he sent me a personal letter.
That’s right, a “Dear John” letter from the Mittster and here’s the best part, the part that blows my mind: Right there, first paragraph of that personal letter, Mitt refers to me as “one of America’s most notable Republicans.”
Now, because I am a newsperson, I have not enrolled in a political party in 48 years, but when a presidential candidate calls you “one of America’s most notable Republicans” no way am I going to let him know that I am a political eunuch.
“Are you a dope or what?” said Louie The Lump, one of my semi-close friends. “That ain’t no personal letter, that’s just one of those solicitation things where they try to get you to donate money to the campaign. Mitt hasn’t got a clue on you.”
Well, I’m not letting on to The Lump but yes, on page three of this four-page personal letter, Mitt does kind of, in a way, bring up, just a teensie bit, the subject of money. But let’s get this straight, this is not one of those run-of-the-mill, vanilla variety, pro forma type, “how about sending us 50 or a hundred bucks so we can buy more of those attack ads” kind of letters.
Whenever someone asks you for $76,000, that’s personal. Don’t know what the Mitt has heard about me, but quoting now from his letter: “I would be honored if you would join our effort. The maximum personal contribution is $75,800, which I know is a significant request.” He suggests, however, if I am unable to afford the 76Gs, “EVEN $50,000 will help our entire Republican ticket this fall.” I capitalized the word “EVEN” because Mitt’s use of that word seems to suggest that 50 grand, to his mind, is a minimum decent amount a high-roller like me should cough up.
Mitt thinks I am one of him! I was afraid he would discover that I am part of the 47 percent but he obviously thinks I am a fat cat unfazed by the writing of a check for $75,800. And no way am I going to allow him to think otherwise!
He says, if I come up with the cash, I “will be offered exclusive updates and will be connected with a dedicated Romney Victory staff member who will stand ready to assist [me] with up-to-the-minute election information.” In other words, I will get the lowdown any time I want it. Tell you what, if I give either candidate that kind of money, I’m gonna’ want the lowdown several times a day and I want a hot line, preferably a loud, red phone to be answered on the first ring not by some “staffer,” but by someone really important. For instance, if I gave that money to the Obama campaign, no way do I want the lowdown from Joe Biden; I want Valerie Jarrett, who has Secret Service protection AND the president’s ear. And if I give that moolah to Mitt, I want to see the tax returns.
No matter, ’cause I don’t have
the 76Gs on hand, not right now anyway, but I still thought I should write back to my new friend …
Oct. 12, 2012
Loved hearing from you buddy! My best to Ann and the boys; trust they are not still driving her nuts as she told all of us “notable Republicans” at the convention. And Mitt baby, boffo job in Denver last week! You made all of us 53 percenters proud, old friend.
How ever can I thank you, Mitt-Man, for your kind invitation to invest $75,800 in your crusade to make the world safe for lower capital gains rates? Mitt, pal — and I think you’re gonna appreciate the humor and the irony in this — I have been walking around for weeks with that very amount, $75,800, in my Tommy Bahama jeans pocket, not knowing what the heck to do with it. Just one day, one single day before I got your most gracious letter, I put all of the cash in a hedge fund — just to do something with it, know what I mean? And then my hedge fund guy gets arrested, Mitt. Ironic, huh?
So, my pal, I am gonna immediately withdraw that amount from one of my many REITs. Don’t give a heck if they do charge a penalty for early redemptions from my Real Estate Investment Trusts; for you, buddy boy, anything!
Until then, kiddo, I’m sending along this check for $7.58 just to get you going (I knew you would see the humor … a check for $7.58 in lieu of $75,800 just for the time being). And, Mitt, I do not expect anything special for that amount, although a conference call with one of your lesser staffers would be nice.
So, till I get that REIT money in hand, from one of the most notable Republicans to the most notable, don’t be a stranger, Mittster.