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What you need to know for 01/16/2018

Phone calls we’d like to hear

Phone calls we’d like to hear

There is absolutely no evidence whatsoever that the following phone calls happened in recent days. T

There is absolutely no evidence whatsoever that the following phone calls happened in recent days. Then again, there is no evidence they did not occur …

• Cuomo lackey No. 1: “Hey, the boss wants you to make the announcement that even more research is needed before we can make that decision on fracking.”

Cuomo lackey No. 2: “Please don’t make me do it — you know I can’t keep a straight face when I say stuff like that.”

• Vatican human resources office: “Buongiorno, ciao.”

Vatican aide: “I’ve got somebody here who wants to know about our policy on quitting; Do we require a two-week notice, and do the health care benefits continue for a while?”

• Reporter at one local TV station: “Do we have to keep talking about a ‘blizzard’ in our live shots when it’s pretty obvious that we only got two or three inches out here?”

News desk: “Listen, we had artwork made for over the anchor’s shoulder that says ‘BLIZZARD,’ so you keep saying ‘blizzard’ until we get that new artwork that says ‘DODGED A BULLET,’ got it?”

• Troy police top investigative honcho: “Hey, you sure you guys looked everywhere for that weapon, like maybe under the mattress, you know, the place where everybody hides everything?”

Detective type: “Boss, I take that as a swipe at our professionalism; yeah, we looked everywhere, and we also questioned the butler, too.”

• Cuomo lackey No. 2: “I can’t remember, is it the fracking decision that we need the ‘message of necessity’ for, or was it something else?”

Cuomo lackey No. 1: “That’s what, some sort of joke?”

• Over-the-hill movie critic Rex Reed: “D’ya think if I call actress Melissa McCarthy a ‘female hippo’ I will no longer be regarded as a snarky has-been who once got arrested for shoplifting, but instead as a relevant, hip sort of guy?”

The Year 1984: “Naahh … no way.”

• That local TV reporter: “Look, the viewers can see for themselves there’s almost no snow falling where I’m doing this ‘blizzard’ live shot.”

News desk: “Just tell ’em that’s the worst sort of blizzard, the invisible snow that you can’t see until you get several feet.”

• Sweepstakes headquarters: “Congratulations sir, you have won our grand prize, an all-expenses paid cruise for two on Carnival Cruises. … Isn’t that fantastic?”

Winner: “What’s the second prize?”

• Cuomo lackey No. 2: “Hey, here’s an idea — we get a fresh Gatorade for Marco Rubio and let him announce the latest fracking delay.”

Cuomo lackey No. 1: “ You’re just being a wiseguy, now.”

• Troy mayor’s secretary: “Mister Mayor, it’s the police chief’s wife on the line.”

Mayor Lou: “I’m having trouble hearing on this line; have her call back.”

Secretary: “The chief’s wife, mayor.”

Mayor: “This has got to be a bad connection we got here.”

• Obama speechwriter No. 3: “Hey, just checking, that line in the State of the Union where he says ‘not a bigger government we need, but a smarter government,’ you’re not worried about the snickering?”

Obama speechwriter No. 1: “Negatory. Every Dem in the House will act like an applause sign just lit up.”

• House Sergeant at Arms office: “Good news for Sen. McCain, he’s gonna be sitting right between Sen. Schumer and Sen. Gillibrand for the State of the Union.”

McCain’s office: “Are you certain there’s no open seat near Chuck Hagel?”

• That local TV reporter again: “Hey, now that I’m finished reporting on the Great Blizzard of Oh-Thirteen, just wondering, do I still have a job here?”

News desk: “Well, let’s have a chat when you get back to the studio, OK?”

John McLoughlin is a freelance columnist and a veteran Capital Region journalist now at NewsChannel 13. Opinions expressed in his column are his own and not necessarily the newspaper’s. Reach him at

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