Colin Quinn has it all figured out.
Once the Brooklyn-born comedian takes the White House, everything is going to change.
"I want to break the country up into city-states," said Quinn, who will bring his "One in Every Crowd" comedy tour to The Egg on Friday. "Every city-state would be different."
Under the Quinn administration, people who watch the Food Network all day and swap recipes will have their own exclusive part of the United States.
"If you wanted to go to a restaurant, you would go to their city-state," Quinn said, in a telephone interview from Brooklyn. "You wouldn't be allowed to have a restaurant in any other city-state."
Sports fans, smokers, vegans and people who let their dogs bark in back yards all day will all get their own city-states. Animal lovers will move into their own bunch of blocks, and Quinn believes it will be one of the most popular places in New America.
"That's where all the hottest girls will go," he said. "All the models are animal lovers."
Quinn, 58, has also figured out the comedy game. He recently appeared in the HBO series "Girls" and the comedy feature "Trainwreck" alongside Amy Schumer. He remains well known for his time on NBC's Saturday Night Live, hosting the show's "Weekend Update" segment from 1998 until 2000.
Quinn also has made his mark on Broadway, in one-man shows. "Colin Quinn: The New York Story" played both Broadway and off-Broadway houses and was directed by Jerry Seinfeld. Theater fans also caught the comedian in the Seinfeld-directed "Colin Quinn: Long Story Short."
"One in Every Crowd" represents another challenge for the Quinn administration. All jerks will have to go.
"That one in every crowd person is the cause of 90 percent of the world's discord," Quinn said. "Until we get rid of them, until we figure out a system for identifying and dealing with them - which is not that hard, but dealing with them is hard - until we do that we can never really solve big problems because they're going to be that unseen force that has to ruin everything in every job, every office, every Congress."
For a comedian, Quinn likes to dabble in sociology. He said he find the Internet either funny or obnoxious, depending on his mood. The fact that so many people are trying to kill each other on a daily basis isn't funny, but a curious commentary on the human condition. Technology has changed, Quinn says. People have not.
People will hear about Quinn's America during the show, but they'll also hear about the man's recent heart attack. It was all about high cholesterol and calcium, but he can still say something funny about his new medical scene.
There's always comedy, Quinn believes, and he likes hundreds of men and women who are trying to earn livings by being funny.
"There are a lot of great ones out there," Quinn said. "The test of time is how you do after your first hour. That's when it gets hard.
"Everybody I know, if you saw them for an hour, you'd go, 'That person is amazing,' but we don't work that way," Quinn added. "In the old days, people had an hour and that was it. Now, what's the next hour, 'What else you got?' That's where you start to see people have a harder time because you have to be constantly bringing some new stuff.
"That's part of the game, very tough."
Some people might think the game is easier in 2018, with streaming channels and comedy networks and new comedy specials showing up all the time. In years past, if somebody landed a TV network comedy special, he was set for life.
"Those days are long done," Quinn said. "I feel like it's harder because of saturation, there's more competition. There are more outlets, but there's less money."
Some entertainers stay away from politics. Quinn embraces politics, especially if he's trying to build a new order.
He knows President Donald Trump presents a large comedy target, a target he would have loved during the "Weekend Update" days.
"I don't even know if you'd have to make a joke," he said. "You just have to say the statement, look at the crowd and say, 'Alright, that was this week,' and they'd all start laughing."
Reach Gazette reporter Jeff Wilkin at 518-395-3124 or at [email protected]
WHERE: The Egg, Empire State Plaza, Albany
WHEN: Friday, 8 p.m.
HOW MUCH: $35
MORE INFO: www.theegg.org